queen on the throne
The Queen pictured having a read on the throne yesterday afternoon


A 40-year-old Whitechapel woman, who has been fitted with a colostomy bag following recent bowel surgery, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she inadvertently opened her bowels while shaking hands with Her Majesty, The Queen, during her recent visit to a local school where the woman works as a teaching assistant.

Mrs Mary Dell told us from her home in Factory Lane last night: “Her Majesty was making her way down the line of teaching staff, shaking hands and having the odd friendly word with one or two of us.

“Unfortunately, when she got to me, my bag began to fill with liquid faeces. There was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent it, so I just had to smile at The Queen as she took my hand and hope that she hadn’t heard anything. It was pretty embarrassing, to be honest with you”

We managed to speak to a Buckingham Palace spokesman last night, who told us: “Her Majesty didn’t mention anything to me about the incident this lady describes, and in any case, even if she had been aware of the matter she is far too polite to have said anything.

“She once stumbled upon the King of Tonga having a clear out behind a tree at a royal garden party in 1968 and didn’t make it public until a few hours after the announcement of his death”

It is understood that Her Majesty will be spending today in bed following a heavy session on the ale at a birthday party held in her honour last night at The Lord Nelson’s Head in Bromley-By-Bow.