west ham with mascots
The West Ham team with mascots. Your guess is as good as ours as to whether any of them will grow into twats

 

A 10-year-old boy who was suffering from a rare and seemingly terminal illness when he led out the West Ham United football team for their home fixture against Arsenal in 2011 has grown into an absolute twat according to family and friends.

Tobias Dell, now 18, eventually managed to beat the disease following extensive treatment and currently works in the City of London as a commodities broker where he is despised by work colleagues and bosses alike.

His mother, Tracy, 50, told us: “Toby is an utter twat of the highest order, and to be honest if I’d known what he was going to turn out like I’d have drowned him in a bucket at birth.

“All his brothers and sisters hate him, and even his grandparents lock themselves in their house if they know he’s coming round to see them.

“I can only describe him as a total scumbag and an objectionable ponce. I hate the bloody sight of him to be honest”

The West Ham skipper on the day in question was Mark Noble, who told The Whelk: “If I’d realised what an absolute tool he would grow into I’d never have held his hand in the tunnel.

“In actual fact, I’d have given him a bloody good kick up the arse and hung him from a peg in the dressing room”

We tried to get a response from Mr Dell last night, but when we called him at his home he told us to clear off and stop bothering him like the absolute bellend he truly is.

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