from our crime and big wobbly jubblies correspondent, Danny SoZ
A 23-year-old local woman, who is expecting her 3rd child next month, was being hailed as a hero last night after foiling an armed raid on a betting shop by squirting the crooks with breast milk.
Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Denbigh Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I had just nipped into the bookies to stick a few quid on a horse running in the 2.30 at Kempton Park when these two blokes came in wearing balaclavas and carrying sawn-off shotguns.
“They told everyone in the shop to get on the ground and then told the cashier to open the safe and hand over the takings.
“I suppose it was a bit foolhardy of me, but almost without thinking, I pulled my top off and squirted them both in the face with milk from my breasts
“I got one of them in the face using my left breast and squirted the other one in the eye with the right.
“It certainly did the trick as they both started screaming and ran out of the shop without the loot.
“After they’d gone, the manager told me that my tits had saved the day and gave me £5.00 to put on a greyhound of my choice.
“I was so chuffed and put it on the number 5 dog in the next race which came in at 8 to 1, so it was a great result all round really”
This is the 2nd time this year that an expectant mum has intervened in a crime in the area.
In late March, a 19-year-old, 8 months pregnant woman from Silvertown caused fleeing bank raiders to slip over in the street by removing her underwear and spraying her amniotic fluid in their path as they fled a local branch of The Nat West with over 20 thousand pounds in cash.