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Dear Whitechapel Whelk Head Honcho

What a con these so-called police dogs are. I approached one outside an Italian football ground the other day and asked for the time. Instead of receiving the helpful response I’d expected, it bit me on the leg. As if this wasn’t bad enough, its handler then beat me about the head and body with a baton, rendering me unconscious.

Toby Pudenda

Bromley By Bow

East London


Dear Editor

I’ve just discovered that by filling my mouth with a number of magnets and then dipping my chin into a bowl of iron filings I can achieve that rugged, designer stubble look as sported by Sir Cliff Richard and other extremely butch, fiercely heterosexual celebrities.

Gus Fuck



Dear Whitechapel Whelk Gaffer

I’ve managed to save a small fortune on expensive foreign holidays scuba diving in the Caribbean by simply filling my bath with warm water and then throwing in a few colourful plastic fish.

I then dive in and clamp my mouth over the plug hole, breathing through the overflow pipe.

The Right Reverend Teddy Ashtray
Arsebishop Of Camdenbury


Dear Whelkmeister

I was watching the snooker last night when the commentator announced “Ronnie O’ Sullivan’s going to clear the table”

How refreshing, that in this world of overpaid sporting prima donnas at least one of them has the common decency to help his mum.

Frank Vulva