Dear Whitechapel Whelk Head Honcho
What a con these so-called police dogs are. I approached one outside an Italian football ground the other day and asked for the time. Instead of receiving the helpful response I’d expected, it bit me on the leg. As if this wasn’t bad enough, its handler then beat me about the head and body with a baton, rendering me unconscious.
Toby Pudenda
Bromley By Bow
East London
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Dear Editor
I’ve just discovered that by filling my mouth with a number of magnets and then dipping my chin into a bowl of iron filings I can achieve that rugged, designer stubble look as sported by Sir Cliff Richard and other extremely butch, fiercely heterosexual celebrities.
Gus Fuck
Lancs
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Dear Whitechapel Whelk Gaffer
I’ve managed to save a small fortune on expensive foreign holidays scuba diving in the Caribbean by simply filling my bath with warm water and then throwing in a few colourful plastic fish.
I then dive in and clamp my mouth over the plug hole, breathing through the overflow pipe.
The Right Reverend Teddy Ashtray
Arsebishop Of Camdenbury
Camdenbury
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Dear Whelkmeister
I was watching the snooker last night when the commentator announced “Ronnie O’ Sullivan’s going to clear the table”
How refreshing, that in this world of overpaid sporting prima donnas at least one of them has the common decency to help his mum.
Frank Vulva
Bradford
Africa
July 2, 2017 at 2:26 pm
It is nice to have an editor to write to. It beats screaming at trees.
LikeLiked by 3 people
July 3, 2017 at 7:54 am
Depends on the tree, mate. Some of those Dutch Elms are absolute bastards you know.
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2017 at 2:53 am
Dear Editor,
I think it’s your duty to advise readers to not try scuba diving in a tub, especially a small tub. Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2017 at 7:51 am
Consider yourself and our readership duly advised, Eths 🙂
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July 3, 2017 at 6:31 am
This right here: “I then dive in and clamp my mouth over the plug hole.” Brilliance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2017 at 7:50 am
Yes, but not quite so brilliant if you neglect to ensure that the plug hole is free from body hair *Ptooey!* 😦
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July 4, 2017 at 12:13 pm
Dear Editor: I am cancelling my prescription or is it inscription ? Whatever. You never publish my letters. My opinions and suggestions for the community are so much better than the silly letters you publish. That one by that lady demanding more funding for the fire department so they will be more prompt and efficient in rescues when her cat gets stuck up in that tree – gimme a break.
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 4, 2017 at 2:03 pm
Cats are at the pinnacle of all Gods creations, they must be, have you seen all the cat posts and videos out there?
If I want a million likes, all I have to do is stick up an ‘ickle cutie cat photo and my stats go through the roof.
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