Murray. Champ or chump? We’ll find out later, won’t we?


As the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship gets underway later today, reigning champion, Andy Murray, has the added pressure on his shoulders of knowing, that should he fail to get past his first round match against World No. 134, Alexander Bublik from Kazakhstan this afternoon, he will be stripped of his ‘Proud Brit’ status by the English media and will revert to being dubbed ‘the surly Scot’ once again.

The Whitechapel Whelk’s sports correspondent, Danny SoZ, was under no illusions last night: “Listen, if Murray gets humiliated by this no-mark foreign idiot in the first round, myself and my colleagues will absolutely hammer the Scotch chump from arseole to Saturday.

“Make no mistake, his British status is hanging by a thread right now.

“I wouldn’t give his marriage much chance of survival either after we’ve dragged up some spurious, unresearched tripe about him trying to get his leg over Serena Williams in the dressing room or something along those lines.”

Britain’s hope in the women’s tournament, Johanna Konta, is also in action today on Court No. 1 against Su-Wei-Hsieh from Taiwan, and is hoping that a win against her lowly rival will prevent the media from changing her title of “plucky princess” to; “that foreign-sounding lesbian”