Splash down. A block of human jobbies pictured falling harmlessly into the River Thames in 1987


A 60-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk how a block of frozen faecal matter and urine from a passing aircraft struck his wife on the head as she was hanging out washing on Monday afternoon, killing her instantly.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver, told us: “I was sitting in a deckchair in our back yard, having a cup of tea and enjoying the warm weather.

“My wife Mary was hanging a few bits out on the line, when, completely out of the blue, a huge block of frozen effluent plummeted from the sky and struck her on the head.

“She never stood a chance, to be honest. I realised it was game over when I noticed that the impact had driven her into the ground up to her knees.

“I just called an ambulance and they took her straight to the hospital morgue.

“I wouldn’t have minded but the ice quickly melted in the hot sun and I was left with about 20 to 30 human rockets lying all over the yard.

“I managed to scrape most of it up with the shovel we use for clearing up after our dog and put it in a tin bucket.

“I’ve been gradually flushing it down our outside bog over the last few days but it’s not been a pleasant task I don’t mind admitting. The thawed-out piss has made a right mess of our lawn too”

This is the second time in recent years that a chunk of ‘blue ice’ from a passing aircraft has caused problems for locals.

In January 2008, a chunk of frozen sewage from a Boeing 747 killed a local woman’s pet tortoise after it crashed onto a cardboard box in her garden in which the creature had been hibernating.