A 45-year-old local man has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that in May of this year, he engaged in a saucy romp with himself at his home in Dock Street while he furtively watched the entire proceedings.
Toby Dell, a married carpet fitter, with 5 children, told us: The wife was staying with her sister in Southend. She’d taken the kids with her so I was alone in the place.
“It was a Saturday evening like any other really. I was having a few beers and watching a bit of sport on the box.
“I got up to get another can from the fridge when I spotted my reflection in the mirror. It was then that I noticed how damnably attractive I was.
“My heart was almost beating out of my chest as I felt my own hand gently caressing my neck and then my chest, before moving lower.
“Before I knew it, I was naked and rolling around with myself in front of a roaring log fire. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
“When it was over, I got dressed and went for a long walk, barely able to believe what had happened. I felt ashamed and dirty, and yet somehow more alive than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
“When my wife came back, I could barely look her in the eye and knew at once that it could never happen again.
“I have now turned the mirror around in case I become inflamed by my reflection again and have studiously avoided being in situations where I’m alone with myself.
“Since that day I have strayed just once when I accidentally caught a glimpse of my reflection in the television.
“Feeling all the old desire return, I flung myself at the screen and began kissing myself hungrily.
“Fortunately, my wife walked in and disturbed me before things went too far. I told her that I was adjusting the horizontal hold and the contrast.
I think I managed to get away with it, although she did ask me why I had my trousers around my ankles while I was doing it.”
If you’ve been affected by any of the issues in this piece, please contact:
The Onanist’s Advisory Bureau
22 Commercial Road