len goodman baby seal

In an exclusive interview with The Whitechapel Whelk, former Strictly Come Dancing judge, Len Goodman, has told us, that since leaving the show after 48 years, he has become a seal pup and his life has never been happier.

Len, 138, spoke to us from his new home on an ice floe off the coast of Newfoundland: “After I left Strictly, there was a huge void in my life. I started moping around the house and the wife was getting really fed up with having me under her feet all day.

“Then, I hit upon the idea of becoming a seal pup and, I have to say, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

“These days I just mooch around on the ice or take the occasional dip in the sea. It’s pretty chilly mind you and my adopted mum has to help shove me back up onto the ice again, but it’s a good healthy life and at least I don’t have to listen to Craig Revel Horwood’s whining or have Bruno Tonioli leaping up and down in the seat next to me like a chimpanzee with a red-hot poker up it’s arse.

“I quite liked Darcey Bussell though and would definitely have given her a seeing-to if the opportunity had presented itself.

“The only concern I have these days is about seal hunters. They sometimes show up looking for quarry, so me and my mum make ourselves scarce behind a rock,or else we just dive into the sea until they’ve gone. I’ve never been much of a one for clubbing anyway.”

Len’s revelations come just a week after the former leader of the right-wing, United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, told reporters that he’s now living in a remote jungle in Sumatra as a gibbon, and spends his days grooming, squabbling and mating with lots of other monkeys.