great british wank off

Great British Bake Off presenter, Paul Hollywood, has admitted that the one thing he misses most about ditching the BBC and moving to Channel 4 is being masturbated under the table by co-presenter, Mary Berry.

Hollywood, 47, told The Whelk: “While I’m enjoying making the programme as much as ever, it’s not the same without having Mary masturbate me to completion during the off-camera moments when Mel and Sue are walking around the tent chatting to contestants.

“She was a skilful and considerate masturbator, and would often add to my enjoyment by rubbing melted butter or a little cooking oil on my penis before pleasuring me under the table.

“There was only one hairy moment when the camera panned back to where we were sitting during a Mel and Sue walkabout just as I was about to blow my custard.

“Fortunately, Mary had the foresight to put her thumb over the end before I shot my cocoa all over the table.

“I’ve asked my new co-presenter, Pru Leith, if she’ll take the job on, so to speak, but she refused outright. She wouldn’t even give me a flash of her tits in the makeup room, the frigid bitch”

Mary Berry gave a short statement to newsmen at her Surrey home last night: “My mother always taught me that when they want it you have to give it to them, my dears”

The BBC denied that there was any wrongdoing yesterday: “As far as we’re concerned, Mary never once wanked Paul Hollywood off under the table. The cleaners never found any dried spadge on the floor for one thing”