The True Cross pictured in the olden days. (image courtesy of The Jerusalem Bugle) 



The world of religious artefacts was turned upside down yesterday when a fragment of wood removed from the colon of a Whitechapel van driver was authenticated by experts as being a piece of the cross on which Jesus Christ was crucified over 2000 years ago; the so-called, ‘True Cross’.

The surgeon who removed the fragment, Dr Toby Dell, 47, told reporters: “This gentleman was referred to me complaining of lower bowel pain.

“I spotted a foreign body on the x-ray and removed it from his colon with forceps under a local anaesthetic

“I knew immediately that it was a piece of The True Cross because a blinding light suddenly flooded the consulting room and I could see a number of cherubim and seraphim floating around above us.

“I immediately called The British Museum and they sent a man round who verified its authenticity almost straight away.

“I’m now hoping to sell it to The Vatican and take the wife off on a cruise around the Greek islands for a couple of weeks”

This remarkable discovery comes just 2 months after a thread from The Virgin Mary’s dressing gown was found during a routine endoscopy examination down the penis of a 25-year-old bricklayer from Shadwell.

If you’ve been affected by any of the events in the above piece you are either Jesus or you have a religious artefact inside your body. In either event, you should go to The Vatican immediately as there could well be a few quid in it for you – Ed.