chair 1
A chair similar to the one that has made Mr Dell want to kill himself pictured earlier


A 52-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that his thoughts now regularly turn to ending his own life in a Swiss clinic after he recently noticed that he has begun to groan with exertion when getting up from a chair or sofa at his home.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck quality control inspector, told us: “Over the last few months I’ve noticed that I sometimes make a slight grunting sound when I get out of my chair.

“My kids were the first to notice and now laugh and point whenever I do it.

“As a result, I’m beginning to see the writing on the wall and realise that my demise is probably just weeks, or, at best, months away.  I’ve, therefore, now begun making plans for my own death at least 2 or 3 times a day.

“I’m rather hoping that they’ll introduce euthanasia into this country in the near future so I won’t have to shell out for airfares to a mercy killing clinic in Switzerland when things become intolerable”

In other news, a 58-year-old woman from East Ham threw herself into the Thames and drowned at St Katherine’s Dock yesterday after suffering an episode of laughter-induced incontinence during a cinema visit to watch a romantic comedy with a much younger man she had only just met on an online dating site.