The shape of things to come? An Amazon worker pictured getting the job done at her work station yesterday


Workers employed by online retail giants, Amazon, have reacted furiously to the company’s latest directive which stipulates that every employee has to adhere to a strict 2-minute limit when masturbating in the workplace, whether it be in the toilets or a dimly lit area of the warehouse.

One man we spoke to, Toby Dell, 32, who has worked at the Whitechapel depot for the past 6 months, told us: “It’s absolutely outrageous. Who could possibly masturbate to completion in 2 minutes?

“I sometimes manage longer than that with my girlfriend, for God’s sake”

Dell’s female co-worker, Tracy Carter, 19, was also incensed by the new measure: “Two minutes? I’d barely have time to pull my knickers down and get my Tom Hardy pics out.

“When I was working in Boots in Oxford Street, our supervisor used to give us 5 minutes to clear our tubes, although she did bang on the toilet door if we went over our time”

A spokesperson for Amazon said last night: “We believe that 2 minutes is more than generous and the company has no plans at present to amend this directive.

“If people don’t like it they will have to blow their custard before they leave for work in the morning, or rub themselves against the conveyor belt until they shoot their bolts”

This latest controversial, time-saving move comes just 6 weeks after the company stopped people from having time-consuming bowel movements at work by pushing rubber bungs up their bottoms before each shift.