No! Please do give up! We’re begging you here!


A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was in police custody last night after spending 7 nights partying in the Spanish resort of Magaluf, leaving her 25-year-old boyfriend unattended, despite knowing that he is a habitual self-publisher with 6 horrendous books and an anthology of truly atrocious poetry currently being ignored on the Amazon eBook website.

A close friend of the woman, who can’t be named, told us: “I cannot believe she’s done this. She knows he’s a self-publisher, and yet, she goes swanning off on holiday leaving him unsupervised.

“Imagine if there’d been a fire or he’d paid a predatory bandit a ridiculous fee for the privilege of having his disgustingly poor output advertised for sale on Kindle Books.

“She could have come home to find he’d flooded the bathroom, set fire to the curtains or had received half a dozen, risibly over-the-top, online reviews from his equally inept, ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’, WordPress contemporaries on the Amazon website.

“I know she’s my friend but she wants bloody locking up for this”

In other news, a woman from Shadwell was said to be bitterly disappointed last night after a vanity publisher flatly refused to publish her latest bodice-ripper novel due to it having been submitted in green crayon and written entirely in capital letters.

If you’ve ever been tempted to send your disgusting copy to a vanity publisher along with a fat cheque, please don’t. You’ll only upset people – Ed