According to reports, millions of women across the country are already preparing to turn very nasty while preparing the Christmas dinner on Monday.
It is estimated that at least 18 million British women will hurl abuse at their husbands or partners during the preparation of Christmas dinner, mostly for minor offences such as trying to get a drink of water when they want to drain the sprouts at the sink, or for standing in the doorway, meekly offering to make the gravy.

Last year, more than 6 million men visited the A&E department of their local hospital, with injuries ranging from carving knife wounds, to head injuries caused by being struck with a saucepan after offering to give the bread sauce a stir.

One man, Toby Dell, 47, from Whitechapel in East London, lost his life when his wife ran him through with a meat skewer, snatched from his hand as he tried to use it to see if the bird was thoroughly cooked through after she had taken it from the oven for basting.

His wife, Tracy Dell, 40, later stood trial for his murder at the Old Bailey last June, but was acquitted and awarded £500 from the public purse by Justice Hermione Boyce-Fotheringham after the court was told, that just seconds earlier, the deceased had brazenly asked her if she wanted a glass of Harvey’s Bristol Cream while she was in the middle of turning the roast potatoes.

This year, the government are advising all males to keep a safe distance from the kitchen while their partners prepare the Christmas dinner.

However, they are also warning men not to use this as an excuse to go to the pub.

In 2016, just over 5 million men were admitted to hospital with severe gravy burns after they arrived back a few minutes late and had their dinner plate tipped over their head.

Editor’s note: Sadly for us and rather fortunately for you, we will not be quite as prolific on WordPress as has previously been the case. This is entirely due to our ravenous hunger for cash which has seen us sign up to write for an online publication who frown darkly on having their output read elsewhere online. We protested furiously but were told to toe the party line or lose the lovely luscious lolly. After around 0.4387 seconds of intense deliberation, we reluctantly agreed. We’ll still come back to irritate you from time to time, however, so don’t start with the party squeakers and the fizzy grog just yet. In the meantime, we would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a happy, and above all, healthy, New Year!