Carving out a literary reputation. East London self-publishers gather toΒ discuss the perils of excessive alliteration


Police officers were called to the Whitechapel Municipal Library last night after a vicious fight broke out between rival gangs of youths, all of whom have self-published books on sale on the Amazon website and other online outlets.

Fighting broke out after a 16-year-old boy was taunted by a rival gang member about his errant usage of the Oxford comma.

Within minutes, a mass brawl was underway which left one 19-year-old, who has an abysmal anthology of poetry languishing in Amazon, lying dead. While a 17-year-old, whose poorly-written and laughingly grandiose pot-boiler sold less than 40 copies to his long-suffering family and WordPress followers, is in a critical condition in The Royal London Hospital.

A police spokesman told reporters last night: “This was a cynical attempt by lawless gangs of self-publishing thugs to establish a modicum of credibility in the world of literature. Thanks to the efforts of my officers, they failed miserably.

“Society is due a well-earned rest from self-publishers and their horrendous output, and I know that The Home Secretary is already working on legislation that will ensure that anyone who submits risible copy and weighs out the thick end of 200 quid to a licenced bandit will be given a long custodial sentence”

In other related news, a woman who has self-published over 90 absolutely ghastly bodice-rippers was found hanging from Blackfriars Bridge last night after receiving her 750th rejection slip from a proper publishing house.

Editor’s note: If you’ve been tempted to part with your hard-earned readies to an online mobster in the futile belief that people other than the poor bastards you’ve coerced into forking out for your literary bilge will touch it with a bargepole I’m rather afraid you that you’re only fooling yourself.