Are you spent before you’ve spent? Then this site could be for you


An enterprising company in Whitechapel in East London yesterday launched an innovative new venture, offering an online masturbation by proxy service for business executives, both male and female, who are too exhausted to pleasure themselves after a hard day in the office.

Dell & Dee Ltd, who operate from an industrial unit in Tobacco Dock, announced the launch of their site yesterday afternoon.

CEO, Sofia Dee, told The Whelk: “Many high-powered executives are simply too exhausted to bring themselves to a climax after a taxing day at work, so we are hoping our Tug4U service will bring them some relief, so to speak.

“All the client needs to do is log on to the Tug4U site and one of our helpful staff, who are online 24/7 including bank holidays and Christmas Day, will masturbate on their behalf using a saucy fantasy of the client’s choice.

“At the end of each month, our clients will receive an easy-to-understand bill based on the quantity of grumble sessions requested and the amount of spadge or fanny batter produced as a result.

“We have already received a number of bookings from business high-flyers, including, Sir Richard Branson and Sir Alan Sugar, and from the world of politics, Theresa May and Jacob Rees-Mogg”

We understand that US President, Donald Trump has also expressed an interest, but was refused registration due to the extreme nature of his demands and because he was unable to fill in the form correctly.