Mr Dell pictured yesterday preparing to post a flattering comment on a post extolling the virtues of female genital mutilation.


A 66-year-old man from East Smithfield Street has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’s eagerly looking forward to yet another day poring over WordPress blogs.

Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer, was already seated in front of his laptop when a Whelk reporter spoke to him at 7.00am yesterday morning.

“I like to stick to a strict regime when it comes to my daily WordPress activities,” he said, excitedly perusing a blog post from an American septic tank company.

“I’m up bright and early each morning and aim to read at least 60 pieces before popping down to Tobacco Dock at 9.00am for a stroll along the wharf before my bowl of porridge. I find the fresh air and gentle exercise replenishes my enthusiasm for the next 6-hour stint at the old lappie, liking and making inane, reciprocal comments on the blogs of other WordPress family members.

“Some of them are very clever you know and have written a number of books. I know this for a fact as they often ask me to buy a copy and also because they have the word ‘writer’ or ‘author’ in their usernames, sometimes both if they’re really, really gifted”

At this point, our reporter tried to explain that these individuals have to pay to have their work published by a licenced brigand, largely because no reputable publishing house would touch them with a bargepole, but Mr Dell grew agitated at this point and left the room briefly.

On his return, Mr Dell appeared distracted and morose and asked our reporter to leave, explaining that he had scores of posts to read and comment on before logging off at 18.00 sharp to watch the news and his favourite soap operas until retiring for the night at 21.15.

As he shook hands and bade him farewell, our reporter observed that a slow tear ran down Mr Dell’s cheek and plopped softly onto his keyboard.

Disclaimer: Mr Dell is a completely fictional character and is NOT based on any WordPress user, past or present. We would like to make that absolutely clear. If you disagree or recognise your own behavioural traits in this piece then I suggest you get out more. – Ed