A 66-year-old man from East Smithfield Street has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’s eagerly looking forward to yet another day poring over WordPress blogs.
Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer, was already seated in front of his laptop when a Whelk reporter spoke to him at 7.00am yesterday morning.
“I like to stick to a strict regime when it comes to my daily WordPress activities,” he said, excitedly perusing a blog post from an American septic tank company.
“I’m up bright and early each morning and aim to read at least 60 pieces before popping down to Tobacco Dock at 9.00am for a stroll along the wharf before my bowl of porridge. I find the fresh air and gentle exercise replenishes my enthusiasm for the next 6-hour stint at the old lappie, liking and making inane, reciprocal comments on the blogs of other WordPress family members.
“Some of them are very clever you know and have written a number of books. I know this for a fact as they often ask me to buy a copy and also because they have the word ‘writer’ or ‘author’ in their usernames, sometimes both if they’re really, really gifted”
At this point, our reporter tried to explain that these individuals have to pay to have their work published by a licenced brigand, largely because no reputable publishing house would touch them with a bargepole, but Mr Dell grew agitated at this point and left the room briefly.
On his return, Mr Dell appeared distracted and morose and asked our reporter to leave, explaining that he had scores of posts to read and comment on before logging off at 18.00 sharp to watch the news and his favourite soap operas until retiring for the night at 21.15.
As he shook hands and bade him farewell, our reporter observed that a slow tear ran down Mr Dell’s cheek and plopped softly onto his keyboard.
Disclaimer: Mr Dell is a completely fictional character and is NOT based on any WordPress user, past or present. We would like to make that absolutely clear. If you disagree or recognise your own behavioural traits in this piece then I suggest you get out more. – Ed
February 15, 2018 at 4:29 am
Coming down the pub later?
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February 15, 2018 at 4:30 am
Not with you I’m not, mate
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February 15, 2018 at 4:30 am
Why not?
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February 15, 2018 at 4:30 am
You’re underage
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February 15, 2018 at 4:31 am
No I’m not!
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February 15, 2018 at 4:31 am
I’m talking mentally
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February 15, 2018 at 4:31 am
๐ฆ
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February 15, 2018 at 4:32 am
Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE.
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February 15, 2018 at 5:56 am
I’m not sure if this is brilliant satire or deadly accurate reporting. At any rate, here is my inane, reciprocal comment submitted for your moderation. I would also ask you to buy my book, but alas even the brigands won’t publish my dreck even for filthy lucre (which I keep in a mayonnaise jar under my futon).
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February 15, 2018 at 6:44 am
According to our calculations here in the newsroom at Whelk Towers, by the year 2021, self-published authors will outnumber those who have yet to become a literary giant via fiscal dexterity by 2 to 1.
As for your lack of success in the field, try calling yourself Biff Author Sock Writer Pow Wordsmith. No, don’t thank us ๐
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February 15, 2018 at 6:34 am
But does Mr Dell watch Bonanza?
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February 15, 2018 at 6:45 am
He watches every one and every thing, Pegleg. Trust me on this one.
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February 15, 2018 at 7:09 am
Your disclaimer doesn’t make me feel better about my WordPress activities and therefore I am not going to be commenting on this post.
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February 15, 2018 at 7:29 am
That septic tank blog is really good, actually.
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February 15, 2018 at 7:31 am
Best thing on WordPress by a country mile, Lucy. No really! ๐
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February 15, 2018 at 8:17 am
Sadly too true. I’m joining the navy to see the world. (Well, I would if I were fifty years younger…)
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February 15, 2018 at 8:38 am
My grandad joined the navy to see the world, Weggers. He spent the next 30 years in a submarine
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February 15, 2018 at 8:51 am
LOL!
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February 15, 2018 at 10:32 am
โค
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February 15, 2018 at 12:26 pm
Is Toby following Septic Sal? I think he’s the one with the tagline “Your sh*t is my family’s dinner” – I love that blog.
I don’t read many commercial blogs. I tend to follow hard-core news sites like this.
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February 15, 2018 at 2:36 pm
Septic Sal eh? I’ve a feeling we’d like that blog.
No, this is a genuine septic tank emptying mob that advertise on here. I never fail to send them a fawning comment, praising their verbal dexterity and turn of phrase etc. Sadly, none of these ever gets past their moderation watchdog ๐
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February 15, 2018 at 3:07 pm
Note to self: Get out more! ๐
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February 15, 2018 at 3:14 pm
Yes, but don’t spend too long on dry land or all your scales will dry out!
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February 15, 2018 at 8:11 pm
Bloody good bit of satire there Mr Whelk. Top of the blogging class for you. ๐
By the way, on my blog, I’ve made a post about Rachael Hawnt, a really good singer I know. Well, she’s singing on All Together Now on BBC1 on Saturday 17th Feb at 7:15…….did I ever mention that she’s a relation of mine? No? Well, she is you know. ๐
^^^^^^^^^^ Shameless Plug for Rachael ^^^^^^^^^^
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February 16, 2018 at 3:23 am
Marvelous news, Touch. |I shall race over to your blog and pretend to have listened to all the clips without delay! ๐
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February 18, 2018 at 1:44 pm
I’m still working on the book but I have you on my list for promotions. Surely you can have a ping back, give away thingie to support my fantasy career. I’ve read one of your posts and I feel that it is only fair. I will buy you a pint if we’re ever in the same part of the world. God speed.
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February 19, 2018 at 3:59 am
We’re huge supporters of the self-publicists here at The Whelk. Renowned for it in fact. The sub-editor said to me only last week: “I love the self-publicists boss. I like to pat them on their little heads. And pat them and pat them until they’re dead”
He’s a cruel man but he does understand the usage of the Oxford comma and the em dash. ๐
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February 19, 2018 at 11:37 am
I’ll be sure to wear a helmet in case I ever run into the sub-editor.
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