A recent study by The Royal Society has found that gaseous emissions from strict vegans are destroying the ozone layer faster than all the power stations on the planet.
A spokesman for the society told newsmen: “At this rate, vegans will have completely destroyed the ozone layer by this Christmas, meaning that we’ll all have been killed by the Sun’s UV rays well before next Easter.
“Unless these people see sense and abandon the quinoa burgers and nut roasts for a few steaks and some ham sandwiches, all life on this planet will be extinct before the next World Cup in Russia.
The Vegan Society hit back at the findings last night: Chairperson, Hermione Dell, told a press conference: “We vegans will never abandon our fight to rid the world of animal cruelty and bacon buttie consumption. And if that means that all life on the planet is destroyed in the process then it’s a price well worth paying in our view”
Newsmen were forced to hurry from the scene shortly afterwards as Ms Dell emitted a series of thunderous, foul-smelling ‘rip-snorters’ as she passed around a plate of Seaweed Twizzlers.