grilled-halloumi11
Grilled halloumi trying to look all innocent

People living in the East London borough of Whitechapel have taken to the streets in large numbers where they have been masturbating furiously in protest at the recent shortage of halloumi cheese.

Since the Cypriot producers of the delicious ewe’s cheese announced that they are unable to meet the demand for the product across London, many locals have taken to pleasuring themselves in public to express their disquiet at the shortage of their culinary favourite.

We spoke to one resident, Toby Dell, 35, who we spotted masturbating in a shop doorway: “This halloumi shortage has hit people in this area very hard.

“In my view, masturbating in public seems like a damn good way to draw people’s attention to the problem, particularly if they get bits of spadge on their shoes as a result.”

This latest protest comes almost a year to the day after government curbs on the import of hummus from Lebanon caused an outbreak of extreme bondage in neighbouring Spitalfields.

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