sarah

1: Sarah was born in the English town of Sheffield where she represented ‘The Steel City’ at cricket and rugby union at the tender age of 7

2: Sarah lost her virginity aged 35 to a Chilean communist coal miner. She later paid to have him murdered after complaining that the light on his helmet hurt her eyes

3: She has a collection of Donald Trump’s underpants and always wears a pair during White House press briefings, claiming that she can ‘feel his essence’ when answering tricky questions

5: She can play a number of popular tunes by slapping her double chins, and, as a youngster, once gave a rendition of I Was Born Under A Wandering Star at Nancy Regan’s 80th birthday party

6: Her sexual appetite is enormous and she once cavorted with 37 detective constables in just under an hour at the 92nd Policeman’s Ball in London England in 2013

7: Due to her heavy drinking, she had her liver removed and replaced with one made entirely from cast iron in 2011.

We would like to thank America’s First Lady, Melania Trump, for her assistance in compiling this list