The Whelk has learned that a 32-year-old woman developed feelings of undiluted psychotic hatred towards a work colleague who tickled her beneath both arms while she was sitting at her desk.
Tracy Dell, a systems analyst for Whitechapel Holdings Ltd, told a Whelk reporter that if she had been carrying a gun and was guaranteed impunity, she would have cheerfully shot the man in his face.
“This cretin thinks he’s a funny guy and is always playing so-called jokes on other staff members.
“He does stuff like putting glue on door handles, stretching clingfilm over the toilet bowl and generally acting the giddy arseole.
“The moment he began tickling me under the arms I felt this all-consuming rage well up in me.
“Make no mistake, I would have gunned this chump down like a dog if I thought I could have gotten away with it.
“He even made a noise while he was doing it. A kind of dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, deal.
“Even now, I get incensed just thinking about. This fool deserves to die and to die real slow in my view”
A spokesman for the company told us yesterday: “Yes, this employee can be a little boisterous and can, on occasion, overstep the boundaries but he’s still the best company padre we’ve ever had”