New Year’s Honours Bombshell: Lulu to receive knighthood

In a surprise move, Her Majesty The Queen has given her blessing for the bestowal of a knighthood on Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

The 107-year-old Shout singer will become, Sir Lulu of The Lake, and will be given a small castle and a problem council estate on the outskirts of her beloved Arbroath.

She spoke to newsmen from outside her home in Bermondsey in South London last night: “Well you know I feel…ALLLLLLLL RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!” she said

There was another shock in this year’s New Years Honours list when it was announced that pop icon, Olly Murs, is to receive an MBE for allowing his massive face to be used as a car park during the 2012 London Olympics.

The Whitechapel Whelk

We are a small, but perfectly formed band of satirists and smudge artists. We neither drink nor smoke. Nor indeed, do we use profanity or indulge in the sinful pleasures of the flesh. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get down the pub before closing time for a few pints and half an ounce of Golden Virginia. Hopefully, I'll have enough cash left to visit the local rub 'n' tug shop later for a massage and a rattling good bunk up with a painted floozie. All The Best. Danny SoZ. Editor-in-chief

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