A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.
“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.
“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.
“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.
“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”
A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.
January 14, 2019 at 3:58 am
Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE.
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January 14, 2019 at 3:59 am
I tried the old self-publishing game once, mate
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January 14, 2019 at 4:00 am
Did you, mate? How did it go?
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January 14, 2019 at 4:02 am
Not very well, to be fair. My book was so poor I sent myself a rejection slip. I was gutted, I don’t mind telling you.
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January 14, 2019 at 4:06 am
Never mind son. At least you saved yourself from handing over a shedload of dough to a licenced bandit in The Seychelles.
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January 14, 2019 at 4:07 am
Aye
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January 14, 2019 at 4:37 am
It helps if you’re a masochist.
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January 14, 2019 at 4:46 am
Or a keen gardener, which amounts to pretty much the same thing in my view, Audrey. 😀
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January 14, 2019 at 6:10 am
You know, you might have a point there. No wonder I’m one of those self-published types! 😀
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January 14, 2019 at 6:57 am
I read your piece on self-publishing earlier, and to be brutally frank, it seems like an inordinate amount of hard graft for very little reward. Wouldn’t it be easier to go the conventional route and let the publishing house do all the graft? You write pretty well, Audrey. Why not give it a go? Then, if you cut a deal with Penguin, I get 10 per cent, ok? 😀
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January 15, 2019 at 3:19 am
Don’t get me started, Mr. Whelk! No chance of a deal with Penguin (or anyone else). Been there, done that, don’t like waiting for the response that doesn’t come, and when it does, it’s a rejection. Meanwhile, no one’s getting younger. Self-published, at least my books are “out there,” and every now and then someone buys one. I’m lucky to have a pension and a house, so not making much isn’t a problem. Why do I do it? My first reason was just to see if I could. I can’t say I’ve regretted publishing my own books. And I actually get 70% (of $2.99 or $3.99, OK). Thanks for your interest, though. 😊
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January 15, 2019 at 5:37 am
Good on you, Audrey. At least you’ve had a shot at ‘going legit’. My satirical antanae only begin twitching when I spot somebody almost weeping with excitement and puffing out their chest with vein-popping pride at the prospect of their wretched manuscript being ‘made flesh’ by dint of them having paid somebody for the privilege. It’s akin to me become overcome with a wild sense of achievement after having bought 2 lbs of carrots 😀
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January 15, 2019 at 5:58 am
😀
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January 14, 2019 at 11:50 am
Actually I thought Toby’s book was an instant classic. I read it several times.
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January 14, 2019 at 11:59 am
Yes, I had a bit of a job making sense of it too, I’m afraid.
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January 14, 2019 at 1:50 pm
I should have thought about it earlier, before my mother passed away – there went half my market.
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January 14, 2019 at 3:27 pm
Holy guacamole! I din’t know you were one of the self-publishing band of hope brigade, Dan. Mind you, there won’t be anybody left on earth who isn’t soon! Apart from myself and my beautiful little graphics editor of course.
“What’s that you say, sweetheart?…CHRIST! 😦
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January 14, 2019 at 5:14 pm
Ha ha – if you don’t want to miss the date, I’ll sign you up for my newsletter, my companion blog, three slightly related Facebook pages, my Kindle feed and I’ll start leaving self-promotional comments here every few minutes.
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January 15, 2019 at 2:57 am
*backs away nervously* It’s very kind of you to offer, mate, but…
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January 14, 2019 at 3:26 pm
Poor Toby. He had such promise.
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January 14, 2019 at 3:29 pm
Never mind, Madge. I’ll recommend him for a Liebster Award to lessen his pain 😀
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February 2, 2019 at 4:15 am
Too on point! 😀
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February 2, 2019 at 8:03 am
Isn’t it just? 😀
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March 19, 2019 at 10:16 pm
Having just self-published the first thrilling instalment from the papers of Francis Sparry, Elizabethan gentleman and geomancer, I recognised him at once in the picture. In other respects, it’s all me. Amazing.
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