According to recent figures, 99 per cent of all males living in Whitechapel are now self-dubbed knights of the realm
The surge of popularity in self-knighting is believed to have been triggered by the enormous financial success of self-published authors and the widespread acclaim that they now enjoy.
One self-appointed knight, Sir Tobias Dell of Aquitaine, told us: “It was a bit of a tricky one, tapping myself on both shoulders with the sword without swapping hands, but I got there in the end.
“The wife’s so impressed she wants me to wear a suit of armour when we have sex, but I told her it would be too noisy and would make the old clean-up afterwards a bit tricky”
There have been one or two dissenting voices, however.
Acclaimed naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, slammed the practice last night: “How can these people just appoint themselves without so much as a by-your-leave?
“I was 60-odd before I got my knighthood and I had to spend over 49 years sweating my bollocks off in jungles, not to mention freezing them off in the Antarctic and suchlike.
“I even got whacked round the head by a silverback lowland gorilla once. I nearly shat myself, I don’t mind telling you”
This latest development comes just 6 months after a number of women in neighbouring Aldgate appointed themselves Queen Beatrice of The Netherlands
Don’t try this at home – Sir Editor of The Lake