yorkshire-whippet
The Education Secretary for Yorkshire pictured complete with whippet last night

In a controversial move, the government has announced that after Britain’s scheduled departure from the European Union on March 29, the languages curriculum in English schools will be revised, with German and French being replaced by lessons in Cockney and Yorkshire.

Instead of being taught skills such as verb conjugation and the usage of the past and present participle in the two European languages, children will learn Cockney rhyming slang and, in the case of the Yorkshire dialect, vowel strangulation and omission of the pronoun.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, a Yorkshire representative for the Department of Education said: “Now then, reporters! ‘Appen t’ gooverment’s ‘ad a reet good rethink about ‘ow owr bluddy kids are taught in t’ schools.

“Aye and about bluddy time too! Bah eck as like!

“BluddyFrench and German?!

“From now on there’ll be nay talk o’ that bluddy nonsense in owr schools, ah can tell thee that fer nowt!”

The Education Secretary for London schools was unavailable for comment last night but his press officer told newsmen: “If you fink we’re gonna teach our saucepan lids fackin’ German and Frog, you must be round the fackin’ bend, you slaaags!

“Nah, sling your bleedin’ hooks or I’ll send some of the chaps round to fackin’ serve you up!”

In other news, cookery lessons in schools post-Brexit will be replaced by lessons in gruel making and cannibalism.

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