In a controversial move, the government has announced that after Britain’s scheduled departure from the European Union on March 29, the languages curriculum in English schools will be revised, with German and French being replaced by lessons in Cockney and Yorkshire.
Instead of being taught skills such as verb conjugation and the usage of the past and present participle in the two European languages, children will learn Cockney rhyming slang and, in the case of the Yorkshire dialect, vowel strangulation and omission of the pronoun.
Speaking to newsmen yesterday, a Yorkshire representative for the Department of Education said: “Now then, reporters! ‘Appen t’ gooverment’s ‘ad a reet good rethink about ‘ow owr bluddy kids are taught in t’ schools.
“Aye and about bluddy time too! Bah eck as like!
“BluddyFrench and German?!
“From now on there’ll be nay talk o’ that bluddy nonsense in owr schools, ah can tell thee that fer nowt!”
The Education Secretary for London schools was unavailable for comment last night but his press officer told newsmen: “If you fink we’re gonna teach our saucepan lids fackin’ German and Frog, you must be round the fackin’ bend, you slaaags!
“Nah, sling your bleedin’ hooks or I’ll send some of the chaps round to fackin’ serve you up!”
In other news, cookery lessons in schools post-Brexit will be replaced by lessons in gruel making and cannibalism.
February 6, 2019 at 1:06 pm
Brilliant ~ George
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February 6, 2019 at 1:57 pm
Cheers, George. ‘Appen t’ old man will enjoy this un. Bah eck, ah’ll say ‘e will lad!
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February 6, 2019 at 1:34 pm
I agree with the gentleman above, brilliant piece of satire, Mr Whelk. 😀
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February 6, 2019 at 1:59 pm
That’s no gentleman, that’s young George! Thank you, my lovely. Always nice to get the Touch seal of approval 🙂 x
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February 6, 2019 at 1:47 pm
Unfortunately, the US Government refuses to revise Trump tweet language into Swahili. 😦
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February 6, 2019 at 2:01 pm
Ha! I’m still waiting for the publication of the Trump/English dictionary.
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February 6, 2019 at 2:51 pm
Eh lah, where I come from wot dem nonces from London and dem wools from Yorkshire already speak are foreign languages anyroad. Know worramean like?
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February 6, 2019 at 4:25 pm
Now, let’s think, Deaders. That’s either Serbo-Croat or Oldham?
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February 6, 2019 at 2:56 pm
A satirical gemstone, Lionel. The possibilities are endless for the education system. Has it come to this.
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February 6, 2019 at 3:08 pm
For a second when this combed oop in me reader, here was me thinkin’ they really ‘ad. Bah goom, but I puts nowt past that lot.
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February 6, 2019 at 4:29 pm
I need to get our graphics editor to translate that one. She’s as pretty as a china doll with an accent that only Geoff Boycott and Mr Biggins out of All Creatures can decipher 😀
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February 6, 2019 at 4:26 pm
I’m afraid it has, dear boy. Bring on the dancing girls and the gruel tankers!
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February 6, 2019 at 3:17 pm
This made me larf! 😀
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February 6, 2019 at 4:31 pm
Then our work here is complete. *lights pipe, feeds ofice cat and makes a refreshing cuppa* 😀
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February 6, 2019 at 4:30 pm
Having studied German in high school, I would much prefer Cockney rhyming slang.
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February 7, 2019 at 5:31 am
Gawd luv yer, guvnor. You’re a bleeding toff and no error 😀
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February 6, 2019 at 7:56 pm
In 1972, Jimmy Cliff starred in a Jamaican crime thriller. I thought it was a pretty good movie at the time. The thing is, even though it was in English, they still had subtitles.
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February 7, 2019 at 5:34 am
The Harder They Fall. Great movie. The subtitles were for those of us unable to decipher the Jamaican patois. Lawd Jesus me yoot! Nah put me under dem ‘eavy manners suh!
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