A report released yesterday has revealed that train passengers who stand up well before the train has pulled into the station are the scum of the earth
The report, by a Cambridge University study group, further concludes that hanging is too good for these people and that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.
A spokesman for the university told newsmen: “Quite what these prize chumps hope to achieve by getting up and standing in the aisle as soon as the tannoy announces the next stop is beyond me.
“Our report calls them scum of the earth and worthy of infanticide, well I would go further.
“In my view, there needs to be a root and branch culling of these fucknuts until not one remains
“The same thing goes for people who start scrambling for the overhead lockers as soon as a plane lands.
“If it was up to me I’d lash them to the underside of the fuselage and leave them there for the return flight so that they die of terror and hypothermia”
Controversial budget airline, Ryanair, has responded by stating that although they would be comfortable with this last proposal, they would introduce a surcharge for passengers according to weight and air resistance, or ‘drag’.
March 5, 2019 at 8:24 am
Whenever I see your ‘headlines’ I aye fall of my seat laughing. And actually aye, folks who leap up and smack you one with the contents of their overheads before a plane has hit the ground need smacked one in return…
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March 5, 2019 at 2:37 pm
Yeah, the titles are ok, it’s the actual copy itself that’s a bunch o’ pish. š
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March 5, 2019 at 10:46 pm
Yir copy is the best x
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March 6, 2019 at 8:12 am
That cheque that my secretary discussed with you. It’s in the post…in all probability…ish.
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March 6, 2019 at 12:59 pm
Lol. Then I can look forward to buying a mallet for tomorrow’s trip to Prague, the better to batter all these fowks who stand up and who wheel half a hoose on the plan.e
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March 5, 2019 at 10:02 am
A reasoned and well-thought-out opinion…
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March 5, 2019 at 2:39 pm
Profound reasoning and moral rectitude are our watchwords, mate. We are pround to brandish the sword of truth and justice etc
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March 5, 2019 at 2:58 pm
Can I get a waiver? Although the train I take into our station has 7 cars, only two of them “platform” in our town. I often have to walk through 2-3 cars to get to the one whose door will open. If I don’t get there in time, the train proceeds with me as a technical stowaway.
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March 5, 2019 at 6:31 pm
Yes alright, but no standing! You have to crawl along the aisle apologising as you go!
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March 5, 2019 at 7:11 pm
Ha ha – deal.
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March 5, 2019 at 3:09 pm
The ones on the planes are the worst offenders! Hanging, drawing and quartering is too good for these miscreants.
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March 5, 2019 at 6:30 pm
If I was an airline boss, I would electrify the locker handles and watch them fry! š
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March 5, 2019 at 5:52 pm
Hehehe! That last paragraph, brilliant. Pure gold. š
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March 5, 2019 at 6:27 pm
You’re in love with me aren’t you? Don’t deny what your heart is telling you. Give full vent to your passion, you crazy, besoted young fool!
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March 5, 2019 at 6:34 pm
What’s not to love, Mr Whelk?! There’s only one proviso before we get into this relationship, you have to renounce having liquor on your pie and mash and eat it the normal way with gravy. Ok?
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March 5, 2019 at 6:44 pm
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that š
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March 5, 2019 at 6:45 pm
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