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A 47-year-old Whitechapel man last night told us that a 7-year-old child who was running around a local supermarket with one of the small trolleys made available by the store for youngsters, deserved to die and that he was just the man to get the job done.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer spoke to The Whelk from his home in Vallance Road: “This kid was racing up and down the aisles with this miniature trolley like an absolute bastard.

“He narrowly missed colliding with my own trolley on a couple of occasions and almost ran over my foot as I was heading for the checkout.

“It was at this point that I realised that he deserved to die and that I would be more than happy to get the job squared away myself.

“It’s not that often that I feel murderous intent towards kids, but I swear to God I would have pulled a gun and blasted this piece of crap to absolute fuck if I’d thought I would get away with it”

The manager of the Lidl store in question told us last night: “I can understand where Mr Dell is coming from on this one.

“I’ve never been keen on the idea of junior trolleys and knew all along that it would induce murderous hatred in some of our customers.

“I’ve even felt like smashing one or two of the little scumbags over the head with a hammer myself”

If you’ve ever felt like bludgeoning a small child to death in a supermarket we don’t blame you one iota -Ed.

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