trump blimp with queen (2)
The Queen pictured during happier times

Her Majesty The Queen was at the head of a five thousand-strong army marching to the Scottish border last night.

The Queen has grown weary of Scottish dissent and repeated calls for independence from the United Kingdom and will attempt to quell the rebellious Scots by force of arms

It is estimated that Her Majesty’s army of 3 thousand foot soldiers, 1 thousand archers and a thousand mounted yeoman will reach the border within the next few days where they will lay waste to nearby farms and hang any Scot who refuses to swear allegiance to the Monarch.

The Scot’s leader, Nicola Sturgeon MSP, issued a defiant battle cry in response last night. “If it’s war the English are seeking then we’re ready, aye ready.

“They may take our oil and gorge themselves on our Tunnock’s Tea Cakes, but they’ll never take our freedom”

In other related news, there was a reported blunder by an estimated 500-strong battalion of The Queen’s Guard, led by Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling, last night, when he led them into an attack on a Welsh fishing village by mistake.

For non-UK residents, Chris Grayling is our hapless Secretary of State for Transport, a blundering fucknut of epic proportions who couldn’t find his arseole with both hands and a powerful flashlight – Ed