A 30-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that conjuring up imagery of right-wing MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, having sex with Brexit Party figurehead and former Strictly Come Dancing contestant, Ann Widdecombe, has been a major factor in overcoming the chronic premature ejaculation issues that have dogged him since his late teens.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “I’ve never been able to satisfy a woman in bed due to this hair-trigger problem of mine.
“My wife moved into the spare room years ago after growing tired of my constant failure to display any staying power.
“I’ve always had a problem in this area, and, once, in my early teens, had a shattering climax just by asking a girl in my class if I could borrow her ruler.
“Now, thanks to the imagery of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Ann Widdecombe going at it full pelt, I have found a new lease of life between the sheets.
“Last Saturday, I managed well over 5-minutes with the wife, although, I have to admit that I’d drunk 12 cans of Tennant’s Super before the off.”
Mr Dell’s revelation comes just a week after a 40-year-old milkman from neighbouring Poplar revealed that he’d increased his staying power tenfold by thinking about, Bake-Off presenter, Mary Berry, copping a vicious back-scuttling from motoring guru and journalist, Jeremy Clarkson.
If you’ve been affected by any of the issues highlighted in this piece, I’d keep it very much to yourself if I were you – Ed.