spam

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London felt an overwhelming sense of hope and joy after a spam email he opened in the early hours of Boxing Day contained the promise of lasting relief from the misery of toenail fungus.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Dock Street, told The Whelk that he wept with joy after spotting the item amongst 60 other spam mails, which included Pinterest notifications and invites to meet mature Russian women for no-strings friendships.

“I’ve been plagued with toenail fungus on and off since childhood so this piece of junk mail is nothing short of a miracle” he reveals.

“When I read that it was offering me prolonged relief from the condition I don’t mind admitting that I broke down and wept with joy

“I’ve now ordered a full course of treatment which involves creams and a course of tablets for only £75 per month for the next 6 years.

“It means I’ll have to give the no-strings Russians a miss this year but, to be honest, none of them ever turned up to the dates anyway.

“The stuff should arrive during January according to the confirmatory email, but they did stipulate that it comes from China and is therefore subject to delays of a few months depending on demand.

“This is the best Christmas present ever and I can’t wait to get my socks off and put an end to my fungus-based misery for good”

In other news, a 50-year-old woman from neighbouring Poplar is excitedly looking forward to receiving a gently corrective toe-trainer device which she spotted in her junk folder and which she hopes will finally put an end to years of her having to wear an outsize boot on one foot causing her to lope along the road like a chimp.