PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling, multicultural city like London can be a taxing and often hazardous task as I found out to my cost last night.

At around 15.00, our sarge summoned us into the briefing room and told us that we were being assigned to police the Brexit leaving party scheduled for 19.30 in Parliament Square.

We arrived in plenty of time at around 17.00 and while my colleagues deployed around the perimeter I began searching for drink.

It was a pretty fruitless task initially as the Mayor had declared the area an alcohol-free zone to prevent the Brexiteers from getting rowdy and poking each other in the eye with their little Union Jacks on sticks.

By 20.00 my mouth was like the bottom of a baby’s pram and I was seriously thinking of abandoning my post and going for a few jars in The Albert in Victoria Street.

Then, I spotted a group of elderly revellers who had somehow managed to smuggle a crate of Wincarnis tonic wine past the cordon.

With not a moment to lose, I raced over, snatched a couple of bottles and began tucking in as if there were no tomorrow.

At just after 23.00, I celebrated Britain leaving the EU by spewing my ring up all over one old grunter’s zimmer frame and pissing in the ear of an old dear in a wheelchair while she sang the national anthem.

Evenin all.

PC Ted Stupor is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Carnage Society