Olly - Copy

In a surprise move, prime minister, Boris Johnson, last night announced that the proposed, controversial road and rail link between Scotland and Northern Ireland will open in just 6 months by using the huge face of pop icon Olly Murs to create a floating causeway between the two countries.

Speaking at a CBI dinner at The Guildhall in London, Johnson told businessmen: “A viable link between the two countries has long been an ambition of mine and something that would benefit the whole of the UK

“However, I’ve been told that there are a number of reasons why a project of this magnitude would present logistical problems.

“Not least the stormy seas in the area and the fact that over a million and a half tonnes of explosives were dumped there at the end of the last war.

“Therefore, to eradicate these difficulties, I have approached Olly Murs and have asked him if he would step into the breach, so to speak.

“He has kindly agreed to lie on his back between the two countries on a floating pontoon so that his enormous face can be used as the foundation for a road and rail link between Campbelltown in Scotland and the coast of County Antrim.

“Olly will be towed into position early next week where construction on a 4-lane motorway and a high-speed rail link will begin, with a view to completion around the end of August”.

The Dance With Me star appeared delighted when he spoke to newsmen last night: “Having my big face used to enhance Britain’s infrastructure is a tremendous honour and I can’t wait to get on that platform and be towed into position.

“The Prime Minister has told me that the motorway will be built across my enormous spam forehead, while the rail link will be routed across the middle of my face with a tunnel running through my nose.

“This will be achieved using hi-tec excavating equipment, although Mr Johnson has told me that some blasting using high explosives may be necessary to get through the tough cartilage that separates one nostril from the other.”

This project would be the first time that the face of a British pop star has been used in a major civil engineering project, although, in the United States in 1997, a six-lane freeway was constructed from Pensylvania to Alabama across the cheeks of Luther Vandross’s enormous arse.