milk
A bottle of red top pictured last night, half of which, may or may not have been poured over a pair of female breasts.

A 17-year-old Whitechapel youth has told a Whelk reporter that he was left in a state of confusion after spending the weekend at the home of his girlfriend without once witnessing her pouring milk over her naked breasts.

Toby Dell, an engineering student, told us: “I’ve seen literally hundreds of photographs of women on the internet and in magazines pouring milk over their breasts so I was pretty stunned when I spent the weekend with my new girlfriend and she didn’t do it once.

“At one point, I thought she was going to when she got a bottle of semi-skimmed out of the fridge as we were about to have breakfast, but instead of slowly peeling off her top and pouring the milk over her exposed breasts while licking her lips suggestively, she just put some on her Cocoa Pops and put the bottle back in the fridge.

“To say I was disappointed doesn’t even begin to cover it”

A recent survey conducted by Sussex University revealed that only one per cent of females pour milk onto their breasts, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent opting to put it in tea or coffee or use it to make smoothies.

Those who did admit to doing it said that it was almost always by accident when they were either drunkenly swigging from the bottle or were being paid by a professional photographer from a lowbrow grumble publication.

This revelation comes just two weeks after a 16-year-old boy from neighbouring Shoreditch told us of his surprise when he started fooling around with his girlfriend on the sofa and her attractive, huge-breasted mother didn’t come in wearing stockings and suspenders and offer to show her daughter how it was done.