Tesco

Supermarket giants, Tesco, yesterday announced that they will be restricting all customers to just one episode of scratching the bodywork of the car parked next to them in the car park until further notice.

A spokesperson for the company told newsmen: “There has been a recent marked upturn in the incidents of scratching or denting of car bodywork being reported by our customers.

“We believe this to be directly linked to people carelessly throwing their doors open before rushing inside to hoard toilet rolls, hand gel and other items during the current health crisis.

“We are therefore imposing a strict, one-scratch policy, so any customers who wish to further damage the bodywork of a vehicle parked next to theirs will have to do so away from our premises in their own time.

“We will be monitoring the situation carefully over the coming weeks with a view to allowing some light, superficial secondary damage to paintwork that can be polished out with T-Cut or covered up with one of those Holts colour match crayons if the situation eases.”

This move comes just days after rival retail giants, Waitrose and Sainsbury, rationed their customers to just one incident of slewing their trolleys across the aisle while frantically emptying shelves so that no other bastard could get past.