blow up
A blow-up dolly from the olden days pictured last night

The government last night announced that men who molest women on the nation’s transport network are to be provided with inflatable sex dolls at half the normal retail price to counter the downturn in opportunities to grope women in crowded trains, buses, and tube carriages during the current emergency lockdown.

In a short statement to the House of Commons last night, Transport Secretary, Grant Shapps, said: “These are tough times for all of us. A time when we need to provide for all sections of society to ensure that disruption and upset is kept to an absolute minimum where possible.

“So with this in mind, the government has made the decision to provide Britain’s sex cases with synthetic substitutes for their unwanted advances in the shape of these blow-up dollies that they can then paw and maul at home during periods of self-isolation and lockdown.

“Only one doll will be issued to each beast, so any saddos who like to multi-molest females will have to order further additions to their latex victims collection independently through the usual channels of softcore grumble mags, adult TV stations, The Daily Star, etc”

The move met with a mixed reaction from MPs last night with one Labour MP calling it, ‘pandering to the lowest in society’, while a Tory backbencher widely welcomed the move and asked if there would be any further concessions made for the elderly