Kids getting on your nerves? Why not try playing ‘Pirates’ with your bored youngsters?

Simply lash them to the drying rack with hemp rope and then flog them with a homemade cat-o-nine-tails until they’re unconscious.

Then, when they come round, rub some sea salt into their wounds to deliver that authentic buccaneer sting.

For added authenticity, drink half a bottle of rum before hanging them from a makeshift yardarm constructed from a clothes prop.

NEXT WEEK: All you need to know about Mafia-style garotting for the under-fives during your self-isolation period