Kids getting on your nerves? Why not try playing ‘Pirates’ with your bored youngsters?
Simply lash them to the drying rack with hemp rope and then flog them with a homemade cat-o-nine-tails until they’re unconscious.
Then, when they come round, rub some sea salt into their wounds to deliver that authentic buccaneer sting.
For added authenticity, drink half a bottle of rum before hanging them from a makeshift yardarm constructed from a clothes prop.
NEXT WEEK: All you need to know about Mafia-style garotting for the under-fives during your self-isolation period
March 28, 2020 at 2:02 pm
All very useful ideas. Now, I need to find some kids.
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March 28, 2020 at 2:09 pm
Try the orphanage, John. Nobody will miss them for a few days. Failing that, have a few of your own and wait a few years.
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March 28, 2020 at 2:27 pm
“How can you have any pudding when you don’t eat your meat?” Good idea.
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March 28, 2020 at 2:31 pm
Let’s admit it, our ancestors had this parenting thing down.
I once read that during the renaissance era, parents swapped kids. They rationalized this with the notion of “apprenticeship” or “hiring out scullery maids” but we all know the real reason. It’s a hell of a lot easier to starve and beat someone else’s brat than your own.
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March 29, 2020 at 4:28 am
Not only easier but downright uplifting!
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March 28, 2020 at 5:53 pm
This is great. When mine get home from their work up the chimneys I’ll try this.
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March 29, 2020 at 4:29 am
You let them come home after chimney work? What are you? One of these snowflake ‘modernist’ parents??
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March 29, 2020 at 10:31 am
Of course, there’s half an hour until the next shift in the mines starts.
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March 29, 2020 at 1:11 pm
Don’t forget to keep a supply of lime juice so your children don’t get scurvy…
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March 29, 2020 at 8:01 pm
Don’t sweat the small stuff, boss. I have them all heavily insured
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March 30, 2020 at 6:50 pm
Kids! You can’t beat ‘em!
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March 31, 2020 at 3:30 am
Are you here all week, Linda? 😀
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