cattle fish

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that he was attacked and badly injured by a giant squid as he was trying to ease his concerns about the coronavirus outbreak by immersing himself in a relaxing fantasy in which he was swimming with dolphins

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I’ve been pretty stressed out lately, what with all this virus business, so I decided to try a relaxation technique that I’d spotted online where you imagine yourself swimming underwater with dolphins.

“I was gliding gracefully through the water with this pod of around five or six bottle-nosed dolphins when, without warning, this giant squid shot out from behind a rock and started crushing me half to death with its tentacles.

“Fortunately, I was carrying a spear gun and I shot the creature in the eye causing it to release its grip and swim off a bit lively.

“I’ll probably just seek counselling or try to face up to things from now on”.

This incident comes just a week after a man from neighbouring Spitalfields was savagely gored by a bull as he was trying to achieve inner peace by imagining himself walking through a sunlit meadow