A local DIY enthusiast has told The Whelk that he converted the bath in his upstairs bathroom into a spacious, walk-in shower while his wife remained in the tub.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street, told us: “The conversion job was something I’d been intending to do for ages so I thought I’d have a crack at it during this lockdown period.
“I got all the materials upstairs along with my tools and went in to make a start.
“Unfortunately, the missus was having a soak at the time which made things a bit tricky.
“I began by ripping up the floorboards to connect up the waste and to join some flexi-pipe to the rising main with push-fit unions.
“I then dragged the bath with the wife in it to one side while I built an insulated stud wall on one side and installed the toughened glass doors.
“I then chased out the wall with an air chisel for the electrics and fed the wiring up through the floor direct from the fuse box.
“The missus started moaning at this point because the flakes of plaster and concrete dust had settled on her water, forming a crust.
“I told her that I’d soon be finished and started cutting the sides off the tub with an angle grinder ready to take down the dump.
“She had to get out and start drying off at this point because all the water came pissing out over the plastic sheeting I’d put down to prevent water damage to the ceiling joists.
“A couple of hours later I was done and called the old woman in to have a look at the result.
“To my disappointment, she didn’t like it and told me to go down to B&Q get a new bath because the shower would put her scented candles out”
It is estimated, that during a calendar year, the average woman sits in over 2 tonnes of her own grime in the tub while listening to smooth Soul music tracks and thinking about Jason Mamoa or Tom Hardy with no shirt on.
April 8, 2020 at 7:43 am
I’ve missed so many of your missives! Prepare for a backlog of comments – firstly, who exactly collected this data on who women think about whilst in the tub…seems to have a glimmer of truth is all – not like you at all.
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April 8, 2020 at 8:43 am
Hi Thousand! Hope you and the entire Paper family are well!
The data comes from Thames Water who annually remove over 30,000 tonnes of lady bath gunk from the treatment works.
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April 8, 2020 at 12:04 pm
Ohhhhh yuuuuuck thanks for that – as usual your wonderful reports are enlightening 😊
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April 8, 2020 at 9:28 am
Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE.
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April 8, 2020 at 9:37 am
I hope the hot feed was correctly set to ‘0.001° cooler than pure steam’. Just the way she likes it.
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April 8, 2020 at 11:20 am
It’s like The Cask of the Amontillado, only with less vengeance…
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April 8, 2020 at 2:03 pm
Haha your blog always makes me laugh buddy. I need it at the moment, I’m working so many hours on the front line I barely know what day it is.
Great post 👍 keep it going until I get back
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April 8, 2020 at 5:53 pm
John, I have a daughter on the frontline as a senior staff nurse at Great Ormond Street so I have a rare insight into the horrendously difficult and physically taxing work that all you guys are doing. I salute every last one of you and stand in awe of your efforts at this time. Glad I was able to bring a little light relief, my friend. Thank you!
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April 8, 2020 at 2:10 pm
Who estimates. Who are these people? What are their names?
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April 8, 2020 at 5:56 pm
They are the Illuminati. The Grey Aliens. They are our destiny!
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April 8, 2020 at 3:13 pm
How did you know I was thinking about Jason and Tom?!
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April 8, 2020 at 5:57 pm
I was playing a crazy hunch
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April 8, 2020 at 7:56 pm
It seems a bit cruel to cut away a tub while a “soaker” is in it. But as they say, all’s well that ends well.
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April 9, 2020 at 7:22 am
The end justifies the means, mate. A bloke down the pub told me that.
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April 9, 2020 at 1:45 pm
The oracle at Delflys I’m sure.
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