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Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night welcomed the fatal stabbings at a park in Reading on Saturday, calling the attack, which left three people dead and a number badly injured, ‘A welcome return to good old-fashioned British terrorism.

Speaking from Downing Street, Johnson told newsmen: “I think most right-thinking British people will welcome this attack as a long-overdue diversion from all this doom and gloom surrounding covid-19 and this government’s perceived failure to deal with it effectively.

“Saturday’s events were a wonderful return to good, old-fashioned British terrorism and much more the sort of thing the public are used to dealing with.

“From a personal point of view, I’m also hoping that the re-establishment of an Irish border, post-Brexit, will stir up ill-feeling and sectarianism on the island of Ireland and we on the mainland can look forward to a wave of IRA terror attacks just like we used to get in the good old days in the 70s and 80s.

“Hopefully, it will take the public’s minds off the complete collapse of the post-Brexit economy, the selling off of the NHS to Donald Trump, and the influx of hormone-injected beef and chlorinated chicken from the United States”.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apologies for the no-show in recent weeks. The thing is, a magazine is paying us to write for them and they want exclusivity as a condition for parting company with the readies. However, if you all chip in a few quid I’m fairly sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. *taps finger against side of nose and winks in conspiratorial manner*