It has been estimated that over ten thousand irritating people of below-average intelligence aged 50 and above have been left disappointed by the government’s failure to allow cruise ship holidays to take place this summer due to the coronavirus pandemic.
Many of those affected have expressed dismay at being deprived of the opportunity of living cooped up like cattle on a floating retirement home, spending their days traipsing morosely round and round the upper deck, stopping only to cram appallingly-cooked meals down their necks and washing them down with watered-down lager or exotically-named cocktails made from orange squash and shoe reconditioner.
A government spokesman said last night: “While we realise that the ban will be disappointing for many we have to consider the risk to the health of both passengers and crew.
“We have taken our decision based on the fact that cruise enthusiasts are mostly elderly and overweight irritating dullards, whose idea of relaxation is spending six weeks in a room smaller than the average solitary confinement cell, stuffing their faces, vomiting over the side rail, and heaving their bloated bodies around the dancefloor to teeth-grindingly out-of-tune crooners accompanied by truly atrocious swing bands in the evenings”.
The news was tempered, however, by yesterdays announcement that Britain’s mentally sub-normal youngsters will still be able to fly to Torremolinos for their customary bouts of alcoholic poisoning, venereal disease, imprisonment, and fatal balcony falls.
July 3, 2020 at 6:23 am
Have we had any desperate bastards with mind-numbingly dull travel blogs liking this one in the forelorn hope of a reciprocal follow yet, mate?
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2020 at 6:24 am
Aye.
LikeLike
July 3, 2020 at 8:22 am
How my heart doth bleed. Seriously? Brill…
LikeLiked by 2 people
July 3, 2020 at 8:52 am
Thanks very much. We are currently contributing to an online magazine called, The Daily Dafty, based in the fair city of Glasgow, believe it or not. Give them a follow on FB, there’s some pretty amusing content. Anything penned by ‘Danny Soz’ is us and will be slightly sub-standard in terms of content, punctuation etc.
LikeLiked by 2 people
July 3, 2020 at 2:45 pm
Oh I have heard of them. Great stuff. I am away to do that richt the noo
LikeLike
July 3, 2020 at 2:53 pm
I had a look, you are anything but substandard. Well done. This yin here is epic and so so true… I actually saw this woman whining on facebook a few weeks back that that was her third cruise cancelled and her coach trip. I thought… Selfish beggars dying of Covid, life’s a bitch ch?
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2020 at 2:12 pm
Hilarious! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2020 at 2:21 pm
Cheers Madge! The piece was also published by a magazine on Facebook who described The Whelk as being a newspaper that ‘makes The Beano look like The New York Times’. Not sure if that’s a compliment or a condemnation 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2020 at 3:45 pm
The Daily Dafty is now on my required reading list. From what I saw this morning they don’t publish fake news. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2020 at 4:01 pm
Love it when you do a fine bit of satire, Mr Whelk. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 3, 2020 at 5:22 pm
I wasn’t sure about this one, my lovely. I wasn’t sure if had that satirical je ne sais quois. However, if you like it, that’s good enough for me and then some 😀
LikeLiked by 2 people
July 3, 2020 at 7:48 pm
As long as some traditions are honored. Our youth in the south are holding virus parties. A large group buys tickets to a party where one guest has the virus. The first person to be infected (doctor’s statement required as proof) wins the pot from the ticket sales.
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 4, 2020 at 12:02 pm
you really couldn’t make it up. And I say that as the editor of a newspaper that makes everything up
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 4, 2020 at 2:00 pm
I read that article, expecting to see the Toby Dell mentioned.
LikeLike
July 4, 2020 at 8:10 am
It’s an outrage! I’ve just come out of two months quarantine due to contracting some virusy thing at an all-you-can-eat buffet in the departure lounge of Fat Bastard Bus Tours. And now you’re telling me my cruise is cancelled? Bollocks to you!
LikeLiked by 2 people
July 4, 2020 at 12:03 pm
You’ll thank us one day, mate
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 5, 2020 at 6:56 am
Cruise ships are my idea of hell – can’t imagine why anyone wants to go on one.
LikeLiked by 1 person