scratched-car

A Church of England Clergyman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that the CEO of controversial airline, Ryanair, ran a key along the side of his car door just days after he rejected a voucher to cover a flight cancelled due to covid-19 and asked for a cash refund instead.

The Reverend Tobias Dell, the Vicar of Whitechapel and Mile End, told us: “Shortly after requesting the refund I started getting anonymous calls from a man with an Irish accent.

“Initially, it was mainly sectarian abuse. He called me a Prod scumbag and told me that I would burn for all eternity in the fires of Hell unless I renounced my faith and converted to Roman Catholicism.

“Then he said that he knew about my request for a Ryanair refund and to accept a voucher for an alternative flight or face the consequences.

“Shortly afterwards, I noticed the boss of Ryanair, Michael O’Leary, hanging around outside my house, smoking and looking shifty.

“He would just stand there, staring at the house, flicking cigarette butts into my front garden.

“Then, in the early hours of last Tuesday morning, I heard this scraping noise outside and saw Mr O’Leary running a key along the side of my car.

“I shouted out of the window for him to stop but he just laughed and ran off.

“The damage was quite extensive and I noticed that he’d scratched an obscenity into the door too.

“I’ve now accepted the voucher to avoid any further incidents but I’m not at all happy to have done so”

Ryanair also came under fire yesterday for launching a stipulation that all passengers who refuse to buy a scratchcard during flights are subjected to 20 lashes of the cat-o-nine-tails around the back of the aircraft hangar after landing.