satan
A man dealing with a cheery woman in the olden days

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a local Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.

“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.

“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.

“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”

Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.

If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.