A 27-year-old Whitechapel woman who describes herself as, ‘a libertarian, anti-mask warrior’, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she still hasn’t experienced the thrill of being borne shoulder-high from her local supermarket for bravely standing up-to, what she calls, the quasi-despotism of the government, by refusing to wear a face-covering inside the store.

Mary Alleyn, a divorced mother of two, told us: “Whenever I’ve read all the various accounts from fellow anti-maskers on social media; their defiant refusal to become just another witless sheep under government control by refusing to wear a mask in public places has nearly always led to them being carried shoulder-high by cheering fellow-shoppers, who in turn tear off their filthy muzzles and throw them into the air in jubilation at their liberation from the yoke of central government and their Big Pharma lackeys.

“I’m sure it will happen eventually but so far all I’ve had are loads of dirty looks and foul-mouthed abuse for supposedly being a mad, selfish bitch.

“I even had one woman trip me up in the fruit and veg aisle, sending me flying.

“She then rammed her trolley into me and began pelting me with beetroots.

“But my day in the sun will come. I’m absolutely convinced of it”

In other related news, an anti-mask protester in neighbouring Aldgate was punched to the ground outside a branch of Lidl by a fellow shopper

He was then stripped to his underpants by his attacker who attached a tow hook to his victim’s waistband and dragged him up Commercial Street to The Ten Bells in Spitalfields where the driver got out and went in for a drink.

The assailant, Toby Dell, 54, a local steel-fixer, appears in court next Monday accused of driving without a current MOT certificate.

So, don’t be a sackload of shiney shite and wear a mask ffs! – Ed