A 54-year-old Whitechapel man ate his wife last week after making the shock discovery that she was actually a cleverly sculpted concept cake made by a local online craft baker.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, told The Whitechapel Whelk:
“I married her a few weeks ago because she seemed a nice quiet girl.
“She didn’t do much around the house mind you and I always had to make the first move in bed.
“Then, a few days ago, I was having a cup of tea sitting next to her on the sofa and decided to playfully nibble her neck
“Imagine my surprise when I discovered she was made entirely from Victoria sponge.
“She even had a cream and strawberry jam filling.
“I helped myself to one of her arms and washed the crumbs down with my tea
I’ve put the rest of her in the pantry for later.
“It’ll probably take me a few more days to finish eating all of her and I’ll need to get on the old treadmill to burn off the calories, but I’ll have plenty of time as I’ve just lost my job due to covid.”
This news came just a few days after a number of people accused Prime Minister, Boris Johnson of being a complete doughnut.