Bloody-Axe

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday walked free from The Old Bailey after the presiding judge told the jury to deliver a ‘not guilty’ verdict on a charge of murder following the man’s fatal axe attack on a fellow customer at an Italian-style coffee bar at London City airport last October.

During his evidence, Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Vallance Road, told the court that he was queuing for a coffee at the Delta Pizzoria when he became annoyed that the man in front was dithering and pontificating before making a selection.

Dell then attacked the man with an axe, delivering a number of fatal blows before finally cutting off the man’s head and tossing it down the escalator into the baggage reclaim hall.

Dell told the jury: “Look, how hard is it to read the signboard, choose a coffee, tell the damn girl behind the counter what you want and pay for it?

“This indecisive twat seemed to want all day to make a perfectly simple choice so I axed him to death on the spot.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”

Judge William Carter told the jury to dismiss the charge before addressing the court: “Mr Dell was clearly at the end of his rope and I for one don’t blame him for his actions.

“It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to further extend the defendant’s suffering and I am minded to award Mr Dell two hundred pounds out of the public purse for dispatching this utter throbber, who clearly delighted in getting on people’s tits”

The decision comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Stepney was given an absolute discharge for garotting an old age pensioner in the queue for the checkout at a local Waitrose supermarket when the elderly woman began rummaging in her purse for money-off coupons as soon as she reached the till.