morman

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man whose soul has been laid waste by demonic possession has told The Whelk that he refused to answer the door to a member of the Mormon church who had arrived to drive out the unclean spirit last Tuesday evening.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Commercial Street, told our reporter: “A few weeks back, my missus told me that I had recently begun changing in a number of ways.

“She complained that a foul-smelling, glutenous fluid kept spilling from my lips during conversations and that my head had taken to spinning around while I was eating my dinner.

“She also told me that I had begun to display a voracious and insane sexual appetite, although she didn’t mind that so much apart from the mess up the walls and on the ceiling.

“A mate of mine said he could send someone round to drive out the demon that had taken possession of my soul, but when I saw this Mormon bloke at the door with a number of copies of The Latter-Day Saints magazine in his hand I hid behind the couch and told the missus to turn the lights out and be quiet until he’d gone.

“To be honest, I was hoping for an old Jesuit priest, steeped in the ancient lore of battling The Evil One, not some boring twat who was going to take root on the sofa for hours on end, banging on about us all being spirit children of God and how it’s ok to have loads of missuses.

“Mind you, I suppose there’s always the chance that the bloke might have caused the demon to leave me due to sheer boredom

“Anyway, I’ve decided to put up with it a bit longer until a Roman Catholic priest of some description is available”

Mr Dell’s experience comes just two weeks after a Shoreditch woman, whose dying mother had asked for the administration of The Last Rites, curled up in a ball behind the front door for over an hour in complete silence while two Jehovah’s Witnesses stood outside, ringing the doorbell clutching copies of The Watchtower.