Clivey TV Chef

Pic by ‘Inchcock’ ©

Dear Danny

I’m a 25-year-old recently married woman. However, I suspect my husband is cheating on me with a local dominatrix.

He constantly rejects me in bed and I’ve recently noticed a number of livid weals on his back that look as if they’ve been caused by a whip of some description.

My suspicions were aroused the other day when I found a business card in his trouser pocket advertising the services of a woman in a leather catsuit calling herself Annabelle Anguish.

He has also converted the garden shed into a makeshift dungeon and spends hours in there, hanging upside down lashed to a cross.

I’ve tried talking to him about saving our marriage but I can’t understand his replies as his voice is indistinct through his PVC gimp mask and ball-gag.

Please help if you can Danny as I still love him despite the fact that he’s become a weapons-grade sicko whose disgusting practices make me want to throw up.

Tracy Dell

Whitechapel E1


Dear Tracy

Try making him one of my speciality bread and butter puddings – the recipe can be found on my website – then, while he’s tucking into the delicious dessert, force a spiked rolling pin into his bottom until you can no longer see the handle.

If that doesn’t put him off the sado-masochistic lifestyle then I don’t know what will.

Kind Regards

Danny Dumplings

Danny Dumplings is the acting vice-chairman of The East London Grievous Bodily Gourmet Association